Skip to content

Author Archives: Mr. Dan Kelly

Chicago writer interested in many things.

SEX TORTOISE

                    Me: So, I have an idea for a present for you, but I want to bounce it off you first. My Wife: I don’t want a turtle. Me: (Blank sarcastic expression) My Wife: Ha ha ha! Me: Actually, it’s a TORTOISE, smart-ass. My Wife: Oh, […]

Penny for the Old Guy, Guv’ner?

                          Remember, remember, the 4th of November When Guy Fawkes and all of his ilk Said, “Tomorrow do treason; Today: shop for cheese and Pork chops and yogurt and milk.”

Aaaaaaaba Dabba Dabba Doooooooo… Ladies and Gentlemen, The Coctails!

Originally appeared in 1993 in a zine called Pure. No, not that one. If you haven’t heard of the other one, don’t worry about it. Photos by my dear friend Kathy Moseley. Some of the best times I had in the 90s were spent at Coctails shows. Click to enlarge.           […]

Just to Be Clear: I Wish We a Had a Thousand More Like Him

“I’m an asshole. You’re an asshole. Why are we such assholes? We should be nicer to each other. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck everything. Why don’t we appreciate LIFE and NATURE more? Technology is shit. Don’t you just wanna kill your kids? Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck meeeeee. Thank you! Good night!” My impression of […]

Words of Advice for Young People

I told my friend Dave last night that whenever I realize I’m half-assing a project, I remember what he said while we constructed a coffin in my basement. Measuring the wood, I realized the weight and width of the coffin would be quite pronounced if I followed my intended plan, and I suggested we scale […]

Perfect Day

Honestly, at base, he largely annoyed the shit out of me because a former friend worshiped him.But…Artistically, while I recognize his talent and enjoy some of his work (especially when it was tempered by Cale), I thought he was a nihilistic chimera and grouchy alpha dog who was more distracting than inspiring. He grew aesthetically, […]

Dan Kelly Is a Cowardice

                    The first step is admitting you have a problem. About five years ago I started up a pile of writing projects. Good ones. Interesting ones. I conducted interviews, amassed clippings, drew up outlines and rough drafts…and then just stopped. On occasion I’ve written extended blog […]

Abraham Lincoln on the Folly of Dividing the Union

“I have told you what we mean to do. I want to know now, when that thing takes place, what do you mean to do. I often hear it intimated that you mean to divide the Union whenever a Republican, or anything like it, is elected President of the United States. [A voice: “That is […]

Here Comes a Chopper, to Chop Off Your Head. Just Kidding.

I once joked with an individual from a well-off family that maybe we needed to send the rich a message about sharing and not mucking with others’ opportunities by creating intimidating golf cart-drawn guillotines. The guillotines would be periodically driven through particularly rich neighborhoods as a reminder that things can go south rather quickly, and […]

Parody

            To me, a parody/satire isn’t the same thing as plagiarism or “ripping off” someone’s work. Done well, it’s an entirely new work. Surely, it plays off your ideas, but that’s not the same thing as stealing them. If someone copies your work, you’re owed restitution. If they simply poke […]