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Monthly Archives: December 2010

Father of the God Damned Year

Building a puppet theater for my son for his third birthday tomorrow. Not bad, but I’ve really got to get better at joinery. Also, don’t fear the router, Dan.

Teenage Film Synopses #2

So, like, this rich guy really liked his sleigh, and he called it Rosebud, but then he died. And then the movie is about him as a kid who, like, gets adopted by another rich guy, and he grows up and starts a newspaper with his friends. But he’s like a really good guy at […]

Teenage Film Synopses #1

Inspired by a comment from Ms. Kathleen Hein. There was like this guy, right? And like his family? And they went to this hotel and it snowed a lot. And then a bunch of ghosts and team mascots were there and he went all crazy and shit and like, totally killed this bald black guy […]

The Abysmal Gazes Back Also

Return of the Pornament

Our most obscene and decadent ornament, dangling from the tree.

Ah! The Icy Hand of Death Is Upon My Throat! Wait, It’s Not.

Last night, in the shower, I happened to look down at my left ankle (yes, smart-ass, ignoring any magnificent organs I might have encountered along the way), and I saw a crop circle shaved into my leg hair—a round bald patch about the size of an Eisenhower dollar. “WTF?” I think, looking more closely, and […]

The Unknown Rogues

Stupid Things I’ve Always Wondered About #28193 Remember the old Batman TV show? Of course you do. Remember the opening credits? Probably, but not as well as I do. As a kid the credits fascinated me, because they were the only cartoony aspect of the show (which, of course, was as camp as Christmas, but […]

Why, It Must Be Christmastime in Chicago… Death Dangles Above!

As a Boy I Built Gingerbrick Houses, Because They Were SENSIBLE

So here’s a stupid question, but give me a break, because we never built one in my house when I was growing up. I’m thinking of making one with my wife and son, because it’s fun, and I’m freaking jolly and shit. After you build a gingerbread house and let it sit around for a […]

Too Many Secrets?

One thing I’ve been pondering since Wikileaks issued its second batch of goodies is this: Considering the alternative (not revealing secrets) has it been demonstrably proven that keeping secrets is such a good policy for diplomacy? Because that didn’t seem to be working so well before things started wikileaking. There are lies we tell ourselves […]