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Category Archives: Christmas


                    Me: So, I have an idea for a present for you, but I want to bounce it off you first. My Wife: I don’t want a turtle. Me: (Blank sarcastic expression) My Wife: Ha ha ha! Me: Actually, it’s a TORTOISE, smart-ass. My Wife: Oh, […]

Another Resurrected Christmas Post

Writer’s Note: Posted this in LiveJournal a long time ago. Wow, I forgot how gross it gets. Also: this is not really about my family. It’s about my secret family across the country. Joyous Winterbludgeon We did not celebrate Christmas when I was a boy. My parents hated it with every fiber of their being. […]

Oh, Henry!

Wrote this about six years ago. Its message, however, is ETERNAL. The Gift of the Magi by Way of Mr. Dan Kelly Biff and Muffy married against their wealthy parents’ wishes and were subsequently disowned and left to survive on their own devices. Still, though they had little but a few sticks of furniture and […]

Return of the Pornament

Our most obscene and decadent ornament, dangling from the tree.

Why, It Must Be Christmastime in Chicago… Death Dangles Above!

As a Boy I Built Gingerbrick Houses, Because They Were SENSIBLE

So here’s a stupid question, but give me a break, because we never built one in my house when I was growing up. I’m thinking of making one with my wife and son, because it’s fun, and I’m freaking jolly and shit. After you build a gingerbread house and let it sit around for a […]