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AWESOME TRAGIC! 86% OF AMERICAN MOMS CRIED LIKE VETERAN PUPPY-BABIES AT THESE VIRAL VIDEOS!

HEARTWRENCHING—Racist grandpa gets new glasses, sees people of color as human for first time.

DAWWWWWWW! See adorable baby’s first taste of chocolate, bacon grease, and gamma rays.

POW! HILARIOUS! Daredevil show-off graduate gets PUNKED as his ass becomes stuck in dead-end job for 10 years!

BOOM! WHOOPSY-DOODLE! Bikini-clad car-washing cheerleader had no idea why the crowd was CHEERING until the judges awarded her the John Newbery Medal for Children’s Literature.

PANDA-MONIUM! Adorable panda sneezes, sparking hilariously decimating worldwide panda-emic.

I KNOW, I KNOW, JESUS CHRIST GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY, MA Adorable goat’s baas and brays sound EXACTLY like your parents criticizing your life choices.

HAVE A TISSUE READY because for some reason this video of a hippo eating a watermelon causes your laptop to spew unidentifiable fluids.

CUH-YOOOOOOOOT! See unsettling toothless baby’s first gummy ingestion of an entire 28 ounce porterhouse steak.

WHOMP! KABLOOEY! BUH-BONNNNNGGGG!!! Patriot hero cop shuts down protesting quarterback by telling him he raises valid points about institutionalized racism and, based on his own experience, agrees that many police officers operate with flagrant disregard for the law and should be dismissed and arrested.

GOOD LUCK TRYING NOT TO SMILE!!! Series of flashing lights, high-pitched bat screeches, and mind-warping scenes from the Afterlife induce a state of rigor mortis in the viewer. Death is only a beginning. Death is waiting. Share this (and DEATH) with your friends!

OH NO HE DIN’T! OH YES HE DIN! AT LEAST I THINK HE DIN. DIN’T HE? Republican OWNS liberal female senator with shattering put-down while throwing rocks at her because that’s how he shows he likes her.

OOBA-DOOBA! FLOOBITY-WOOBITY! Hummina hummina hummina p-KOW! p-KOW! p-KOW! GLUNGGGGGGGG!!!! Oh thank God, the attack is over. Hey, do you MIND? I have a medical condition. I can’t help it. Show some consideration, you insensitive shits.

THE VIDEO TRUMP DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE because he didn’t get it. What? Is that loser jellyfish doing something besides just floating there? And what’s with the huge pile of shoelaces? Is this supposed to be funny? He doesn’t get it and wants his fellow Americans to forget clicking on this garbage.

SMART-ALECK TEENS THOUGHT HE WAS A HELPLESS OLD MAN!!! Gelatinous inseminoid oozes from geriatric cocoon to absorb screaming teenagers on subway car.

REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA but refused to sign the waiver so we had to blur his face, which kind of defeats the purpose since he’s pretty amorphous already.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT I mean, you won’t be SURPRISED, per se. The idiot juggles blasting caps while wearing a team mascot costume and gargling ghost peppers and grain alcohol at the same time. You know what? We all get a little stupider every time someone clicks this monstrosity. Just…just move on, and pray for humanity.

ZOMG BABY WON’T STOP EATING! OH GOD, THE DOOR IS LOCKED! HE’S CRAWLING THIS WAY! HELP US! (BANG BANG BANG!) HELP US! See repellently insatiable crocodilian infant’s first taste of human flesh.

Childhood Movie Trauma Mystery Solved

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Some time back I asked for help from the Kindertrauma folks in remembering the name of a creepy live action movie where a St. Bernard dreams of being chased by a man dressed as a terrifying skiing cat. Here’s my original blog write-up. Just today a fellow named Dan Salmon, who had a similar childhood memory of having his shit freaked out by the film, sent me a link to the actual film. I am in awe and ecstasy over the power of the internet sometimes.

Turns out it was called Fantasy on Skis, a 1962 film that later showed up on Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color TV show. After a little research, I figure I saw it in at Bremen Theaters in Tinley Park in 1975, when they rereleased Snow White (that’s what we did before cable, DVDs, and even VHS, kids…we waited years for movies to come back to the big screen). I believe it served as a short subject before the main film.

Watching the rest of the film provides PLENTY of nightmare fuel…on skis! A scarecrow chases a pair of crows; cowboys (skiers wearing horse costumes around their waists) have a gunfight; Captain Hook chases Peter Pan…it’s amazing. Really, watch it NOW, but feel free to skip ahead to the “ski fantasies”.

The cat part IS especially terrifying, and starts at about the 24:50  mark.

Watch it here.

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Punching Nazis Is What Americans Do Best

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Just an update for those who might have missed it:
 
Nazis are bad. Very bad. Historically, they enjoyed imprisoning and/or killing people—sometimes they even experimented on them. America and several other countries organized their armed forces to curb-stomp the Nazis in the 1940s. Anyone who empathizes with or promotes Nazism, white supremacy, or announces their intent to discriminate against if not liquidate whole segments of the population is a bad person. It’s true!
 
Of course, the current blabbing American breed of goosesteppers are mostly lunk-headed sociopaths and Objectivist daffodils who enjoy putting their collection of swastika-laden doohickeys alongside their XBoxes and GI Joe collections, dressing up, sloganeering, and whinging about their rights when people tell them they’re full of crap/clock them. They need to be helpfully disabused of their notions. At the least, they should honor real, down-home American values by joining the Klan and wrapping themselves in Mommy’s bedsheets. But then people would more readily identify them and their batshit values, wouldn’t they? One might think they’re trying to be circumspect about it by dressing in suits and claiming they’re just trying to protect REAL Americans by “joking” about stuffing Jewish reporters in ovens, hanging African Americans, raping women, shooting undocumented immigrants, and so forth.
 
Should they be randomly sucker-punched? Perhaps not. Then again…perhaps. But a periodic reminder that the rats better stay in their fucking holes is nice.
 
Glad to clear this up.

Protected: Earthly Things, Chapter 2

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Protected: Earthly Things, Chapter 1

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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Us: Whew! Maintaining democracy is hard work! But it’s a good feeling indeed! Let’s keep working, so we can… Hey, what’s Pee Otis doing over there?

Pee Otis: GAZE AT ME! BEHOLD ME! HEAR ME BABBLE INCOMPREHENSIBLY! SEE ME SOIL MYSELF AT BOTH ENDS! I AM YOUR RULER! ALL MUST QUIVER AND WEEP BEFORE PEE OTIS!

Us: Yikes, we better get back to work or else he might…

Freakout Expert: FOOLS! CANNOT YOU FOOLS SEE THAT HE IS DISTRACTING YOU FROM THAT WHEN YOU SHOULD BE OBSERVING THIS…OR THAT!?! POSSIBLY THIS!?! FOOLS!

Us: Look, thanks for the warning, but we really need to get back to…

Pee Otis: SEE HOW I SMEAR MYSELF WITH MY EXCREMENT! VERY PRETTY, YES? I AM SETTING MYSELF AFIRE AND POURING GASOLINE EVERYWHERE!!!  I WISH TO KNOW MY DAUGHTER CARNALLY!  I SHALL NOW HIRE RACIST BOB THE CHILD-EATER AS MY SERGEANT-AT-ARMS! ALL WILL BEHOLD PEE OTIS! ALL SHALL OBEY HIM AND NOT LOOK INTO HIS FINANCES!

Us: Jesus Christ, that guy. Everyone, listen up! You and you! Call Congress! You and you, send money to organizations that will defend us! You and you, help me register voters so…

Freakout Expert: [Slapping people] OH MY GOD, IT’S WORSE THAN EVER! HOW CAN WE STOP HIM! WE CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP HIM! IT IS NOT TOO LATE! WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP! WAIT, IT IS TOO LATE! I WISH HANNAH ARENDT WERE HERE TO SAY SOMETHING CLEVER!

Us: Hey! Back off, we’re trying to organize a resistance!

Pee Otis: UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION, PEOPLE WHO BURN THE AMERICAN FLAG WILL BE BURNED ALIVE AND ASKED, “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?” THEY WILL NOT LIKE IT! MAGA! MAGA! MAGA! HO HO HEE!

Freakout Expert: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Pee Otis: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[Pee Otis and Freakout Expert merge to form a vast screaming mouth connected to a gigantic unstoppered sphincter.]

Pee Freakout Otis Expert: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The giant mouth and anus excrete all over the Constitution, demolish the stock market, and scar the nation’s children. Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin strolls about, leaving Post-It notes that say “MINE” everywhere. The new creature stops and realizes this will cause long-term damage to itself as well as the rest of the country. It looks over its shoulder at Us.]

Pee Freakout Otis Expert: This is your fault. You MADE me do this.

Us: [Rubbing face] Oh dear GOD, this isn’t going to be easy, is it?

My Edmund Fitzgerald Article from about 20 Years Ago

Probably should have titled it “Between Folk Rock and a Hard Place.” Gord won’t be mad, I’m sure.

 

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Dennis Eichhorn’s Story Ended

Hoagie-thumbComic book creator Dennis Eichhorn died. I wasn’t close friends with him, but I would have liked to have been. We were friendly colleagues though when I interacted with him in the late 90s—mostly by mail and once in person. I’m not sure when I first encountered his work. Like Harvey Pekar, Eichhorn was a writer not an artist; unlike other autobiographical comic creators, however, his life was actually interesting. In the pages of his comic Real Stuff, he shared a bevy of stories about his life in the Northwest US (and occasionally beyond) from the 50s through the present day.

Eichhorn was a picaresque figure. Fighting, drinking, getting high, screwing, working, engaging in low-end criminality, getting busted and imprisoned for a time, bumping into historical and cultural figures as well as lesser-known but no less compelling personalities. He shared it all through comics made in collaboration with cartoonists like Peter Bagge, Ed Brubaker, Julie Doucet, Michael Dougan, Chester Brown, Pat Moriarty, J.R. Williams, and others. I’ll let this link speak for his work (FYI sometimes NSFW).

Good grief. I forgot how often he wrote about marijuana.

When I knew him, Eichhorn served as editorial director for Loompanics Unlimited. Being a young weirdo, I was a faithful customer and eventual contributor. At some point I submitted a couple of articles for their catalog and supplements. One piece was about alleged culture-bound disorders like amok and koro, another about literal mythological sex gods. Considering my writing style and subject matter, there were few places where I could get my work published in the form I preferred. Loompanics was one of them.

In my experience, he was a decent editor. He crafted, he didn’t hack, sending his edits for my approval/alterations along with notes for tightening things up and the like. I would send him copies of my zines and he’d always drop me a nice note. The man was a great communicator.

Some time after that, I think, the American Bookseller’s Association held its convention at McCormick Center. My friend Steven of Quimby’s asked me if I wanted to tag along. I did. We made the rounds of  the underground and weirdo publishers: Fantagraphics, Feral House, Last Gasp, and the rest. I remember bits and pieces—I hope I’m not conflating it with other conventions. Quite a time, in which I ran into my own brand of real stuff: Running into the ex-husband of a former zine/mail friend—we had a bad falling out—who recognized me from my visit to his San Francisco home five years before. A high-end publisher of coffee-table erotica who looked visibly irritated when Steven introduced me as a writer (Jesus, I wasn’t planning to pitch you, so fuck you buddy). Mr. T, covered in gold chains, posing with people while shouting at a maniacal clip: “YEAH! YEAH! WE’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME! LOTTA FUN! LOTTA FUN!” Quite a time. We ended up at the Loompanics booth where we met owner Mike Hoy and Dennis. Eichhorn was a big guy, in body and personality, and gregarious as hell. I can confirm he had a firm and memorable handshake, as I read somewhere today,

Hoy and Eichhorn were preparing to leave. They let Steven take all their display books back to Quimby’s to sell on consignment while I got a couple of cheap bookshelves out of the deal (the benefit of owning a car when most of your friends don’t). After that we gave Dennis a lift. As we passed through the Loop I pointed out particular buildings until we turned onto State Street.

“And here we have State Street…THAT GREAT STREET!” I said.

“Hey! Hey!” Dennis said pointing out the window, “I saw a man dance with his wife!”

We all went out for drinks afterward. I can’t remember what we discussed. I just remember it was a fun and fascinating talk. What struck me though was that even though he was the Real Stuff guy with the wild stories, freaky background, and incredible past, he was still grounded, friendly, and approachable. Just what one looks for in a folk figure.

For the next year or so I sent Dennis a few more zines and we exchanged the odd postcard, but we didn’t stay in touch. I edited an issue of Lumpen and asked him to contribute a piece. Within a week he had a write-up about his prison experiences, in particular with the captain of the prison guards who he described, quite accurately, as the living embodiment of The Man™. It was a consummate Dennis Eichhorn piece: funny, scary, observant, and interesting.

The world is the poorer for not having time to hear all his stories.

RIP, Dennis Eichhorn.

P.S. Apparently he just released a collection called Extra Good Stuff. Please check it out.