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Category Archives: idiots

Right Up Dere

Here’s a fun fact. if you want to get on my bad side very quickly, ask me to help you, and then criticize me while I’m doing it. I might very well leave you adrift among sharks if, when I try to throw you a life preserver, you make a crack about my hurling technique. […]

Mr. Dan Kelly Urban Etiquette Discussion #843765

I always wonder what the thought process is behind this. Machismo/male privilege? A lack of basic urban etiquette? An inflated sense of one’s size (the dude is big, but, at most, he “needs” two side-by-side seats)? Cultural differences (e.g., “Bah! Women are second-class humans!” or “In Gmöszk, where I am coming from, life is hard […]

Cliff Fiscal (Not Pictured)

Yeah, I went to school with Cliff Fiscal. Weird kid. He’d turn up out of nowhere at parties he wasn’t invited to, and you could never get him to leave. He’d never bring anything, of course, but he’d constantly wonder aloud if we’d have enough food and drinks to last the night—not that he’d make […]

“Big Deal! It’s Not Like You Old People Vote Anyway!”

I wonder if the GOP realizes that the crop of candidates they’ve been grooming all these years—the guys and gals who truly believe Ayn Rand was on to something, and think perpetually steamrolling austerity over the middle- and lower-classes is not only a good idea but also a NEW one—are hollow-headed, starry-eyed morons; dare I […]

Things I Never Understood During My Tenure on LiveJournal

1. The large number of people who, whenever I posted admonishments against people who annoyed me in meatspace, thought I was speaking directly to them—against all evidence and even across state lines. Me: Curse you, foul creature, for failing to submit those TPS reports before the 3 p.m. meeting. I damn thee! Commenter: What? When […]

I Hate Taggers

Within a week of a trellis being set up in front of the Chicago Motor Club Building (more info here), a tagger took advantage of the cover and scrawled who-knows-what-the-hell on the facade. While not an “important” building, it’s a nifty little Art Deco gem, tucked away in an infrequently visited corner of Michigan Avenue. […]

Horrible People I Have Worked With

I worked as a freelance copywriter for a catalog house back in the early 90s. After a while they offered me a permanent gig. At least I think they did. It’s been quite a while, and I think I would have had to be ensconced there for what happened to have made sense. Anyway, at […]

Un-smooth Operator

One of the pluses of having a wife with a traditionally male name is that when salespeople and scammers call, they always ask for Mr. Michael ________. Now, not everyone is aware that my wife is a woman, so I have to feel them out. First, I ask, “Who’s calling, please?” Most people are cool […]

Ah! The Icy Hand of Death Is Upon My Throat! Wait, It’s Not.

Last night, in the shower, I happened to look down at my left ankle (yes, smart-ass, ignoring any magnificent organs I might have encountered along the way), and I saw a crop circle shaved into my leg hair—a round bald patch about the size of an Eisenhower dollar. “WTF?” I think, looking more closely, and […]

Biting the Candy That Feeds You

So, this morning I walked into my office building, and two nice ladies who work for the company that runs the place stood near the elevators, handing out candy from several large buckets. Loving all things Halloween I was utterly charmed, and I thanked them as I chose a small package of Whoppers. The elevator […]