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Category Archives: humor

Greeeeeonk!

                Back from Destroy All Monsters! with Nate. Mike: How was the movie? Me: About what you’d expect. Giant monsters battling each other. Mike: Uh huh. Me: Though the ending still gets to me. It shows Godzilla, 60 years later, sitting on his home’s porch dressed in a [...]

Action Words to Use in Your Resume

                Assgravated Bloodied my knuckles brutally upon weaker co-workers Cried repeatedly Drizzled across chest, received positive feedback vis a vis writhing, pleasuremoans Emascuglazed Fungussied up Gnutered Hummed a merry tune whilst cobbling, guv’nor Idiotliminated Jabbed and twisted in back, repeatedly Killed again and again and again, so much [...]

SEX TORTOISE

                    Me: So, I have an idea for a present for you, but I want to bounce it off you first. My Wife: I don’t want a turtle. Me: (Blank sarcastic expression) My Wife: Ha ha ha! Me: Actually, it’s a TORTOISE, smart-ass. My Wife: Oh, [...]

Penny for the Old Guy, Guv’ner?

                          Remember, remember, the 4th of November When Guy Fawkes and all of his ilk Said, “Tomorrow do treason; Today: shop for cheese and Pork chops and yogurt and milk.” Share this:

I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes of Xenomorph Eggs

WHEN I heard the learn’d astronomer; When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me; When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them; When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room, How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick; [...]

99 Glass Balloons

Many years ago, I read at an event covering the topic of writings found on the Internet. It was the late 90s, and the Web was still a brave and uncharted new world. The concept of uncompensated writers covering unusual and personal topics was novel enough to warrant this sort of attention. The guy who [...]

A Mighty Bastard Is Your God

Whenever a GOP idiot says God approves of something reprehensible, try to imagine the following exchange happening with a co-worker. God (in the Next Cube): Say, Brad, what’s wrong? Brad: (Crestfallen) My… teenage daughter was… raped last night. God: Tsk. Oh, that’s a shame. (Scratches head) Say, was she dressed like a whore? That might [...]

20 Signs of a Hard Winter

1. Wooly caterpillars wear wooly wool coats and hats, large comical googly-eyed glasses, speak in adorable Capote-like lisp. 2. Bears found hibernating in the attic 3. Sun dead 4. Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, seen carrying Persephone to Hades 5. Glacier onslaught 6. Harvested rutabagas bite like a motherfucker, won’t let go 7. Antifreeze antifreezes [...]

The Creative Process

Mike, Nate, Flynn, and I are on our way to the beach house we rented in Michigan. It’s located some ways off the main road, requiring a series of twisty turns through the greenery. Mike asks me to review the directions on the Post It notes she scribbled out the other night while speaking to the [...]

This Is What Democritus Looks Like

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