Skip to content

Category Archives: wtf?

Write to Your Good: Making Excellent Brain Talk in Other Humans

Sometimes I start to write something…and then give up, planning to return to it in the future. Usually I don’t. I feel bad about deleting these bits though, so let’s return to my old habit of treating my blog like a notebook. Write to Your Good: Making Excellent Brain Talk in Other Humans Good morning. […]

Help Me Identify the Skiing Cat-Human Dog Murder Film I Saw at Age Five(?)

The Internet has helped me solve numerous mysteries over the years, mostly in the vein of “What was that film/song/book/TV show where the ______ did _____?” Here’s a new one that I’d sure like to solve before I die. Long ago, probably in the first half of the 1970s, I went to see a movie […]

#CYBERMANDAY

                  THE CYBERMEN HAVE INITIATED TECHNOLOGICALLY ENHANCED DEALS AND DISCOUNTS ON QUALITY MERCHANDISE IN ALL OUR ONLINE STORES. WIDE-SCREEN TELEVISIONS…MICROWAVE OVENS…FOUR-SLOT TOASTERS…PLAGUE-DISPENSING CYBERMATS POWERED BY THE BRAINS OF HUMAN CHILDREN…ALL SHALL BE SOLD AT ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES AND GRAFTED TO YOUR PRIMITIVE ORGANIC FORMS. END COMMUNICATION. #CYBERMANDAY   […]

Damned If I Don’t

I had a dream that I was in some sort of writing master’s class headed by a grouchy Philip Roth figure—except he was played by some character actor I couldn’t place; possibly David Straitharn in make-up. The class was held downtown in the writer’s gigantic, gloriously sterile loft, and was attended by me, an unidentified […]

Creepy Things That Have Happened to Me That I’ve Never Told Anyone

Once, when I was a kid, I was “camping out” in the living room. This consisted of spreading out my bear-shaped sleeping bag on the shag carpeting, crawling in, and falling asleep. At some point in the night I snapped awake, thinking I heard someone call my name, “Danny…Danny…” I looked up, and there was […]

Ten Books That Have Stuck with Me Off the Top of My Head as I Make Them Up

1. Teddy’s Skin by Margaret Wise Brown—The peculiar recurrence of furry animals and fur-lined rooms in Brown’s work becomes apparent in this little-known and strangely horrifying entry in the author’s whimsical oeuvre. Uncommonly, Brown is a character in her own children’s book, having been made by the Color Kittens when they mixed together “all the […]

Right Up Dere

Here’s a fun fact. if you want to get on my bad side very quickly, ask me to help you, and then criticize me while I’m doing it. I might very well leave you adrift among sharks if, when I try to throw you a life preserver, you make a crack about my hurling technique. […]

Greeeeeonk!

                Back from Destroy All Monsters! with Nate. Mike: How was the movie? Me: About what you’d expect. Giant monsters battling each other. Mike: Uh huh. Me: Though the ending still gets to me. It shows Godzilla, 60 years later, sitting on his home’s porch dressed in a […]

Begorrah!

                    Talking to my Wife (Not verbatim, but close.) Me: Nate told me all about the leprechaun traps they set at school. Wife: Yes, I heard about those. They come in and mess up the classroom. Me: Uh, you know he made a trap for home […]

SEX TORTOISE

                    Me: So, I have an idea for a present for you, but I want to bounce it off you first. My Wife: I don’t want a turtle. Me: (Blank sarcastic expression) My Wife: Ha ha ha! Me: Actually, it’s a TORTOISE, smart-ass. My Wife: Oh, […]