I think I’ll write a piece petting the heads of people who give a damn about REAL HARD news. I won’t actually admonish the mouth-breathers who zealously follow celebrity gossip and suchlike with nary a complaint, because they’re not reading my stuff anyway. Nope, I’ll write some hair shirt-wearing philippic where I accuse the mass media of perpetuating garbage news, AND THENâ€”TURNABOUT!!!â€”I’LL TOPSY-TURVY-UPSIDE-GODDAMNED-DOWN THE PIECE ON ITS HEAD BY ACCUSING THE READER OF SUPPORTING THE VERY SHIT THEY CLAIM TO DECRY! Then we’ll all feel GOOD about ourselves for following the bullshit news jusssssssssssst enough to criticize it, and complain about America’s degeneration and the crumbling values of something or other. SO, I can comment ABOUT the nonsensical non-news item, without hypocritically perpetuating its existence because MY OBSERVATIONS ARE PUREST CRITIQUE. Simultaneously, I can enjoy the purifying qualities of screaming “PECCAVI! MEA CULPA!!! PECCAVI!” while lashing myself for my complicity, thereby burning away my crime of bad taste.
I AM A GENIUS.