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You Know, There Are Two Sides to Every One-Dimensional Object


All right! All right! Hellloooooo, Chicago! Here they are, together for the first time ever on this stage! I give you… the folks who comment on every single god damned Chicago Tribune article posted online!

On bass and guitar… the monsters who think (1) sassy grade schoolers should have the blood whipped out of them, (2) women who dare to walk around their neighborhood in above-knee skirts after 7 p.m. deserve to be raped, and (3) anyone stupid enough to live in a house with windows and doors is just begging to be murdered!

Over here… on keyboards and drums… the invertebrates who believe, (1) hey, maybe you should think about the recently deceased serial torture murderer’s family before you start insulting his memory, (2) we need to wait for all the facts to come in before judging the genocidal cannibal warlord who wore tuxedos made out of his victim’s skins, and (3) maybe if you had a  big fluffy-bunny heart like them, and realized that (sob!) everyone is entitled to their half-assed opinion, maybe (nyaggh!) just MAYBE this world would turn into a giant damn Dreamsicle of peace and (sob! whinge!) LOVE!

The Trib’s online commenters, ladies and gentlemen!

Furthermore, let’s thank the two boobs who “Like This” article for inexplicable back-up.