Blogroll
Archives
- March 2025
- November 2024
- May 2024
- December 2023
- January 2023
- December 2022
- April 2020
- March 2020
- October 2019
- August 2018
- May 2018
- October 2017
- September 2017
- July 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- November 2016
- July 2016
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- May 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- June 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- March 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- December 2009
- October 2009
- August 2008
Categories
America antiques architecture art blogging books bottles chicago children Christmas comics death doodads dvd menus family film food Halloween history horror humor idiots Internet kooks literature mr. dan kelly music nate news novel photo a day photography politics ramble rant religion resolutions stroll toys travel Uncategorized woodworking writing wtf? young dan kelly
Strange Visitor from Another Planet
Monday, September 12, 2011
A few shoddy shots of filming of The Man of Steel near Michigan and Wacker. I heard Laurence Fishburne is down there.
Readers Without Borders
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
For many years I avoided buying books at Borders’ web site for the very reasons you’re probably thinking right now: they were overpriced and their stock was curiously limited. While I made regular browsing and buying visits to stores around Chicago (my son’s library was nicely padded out by their expansive children’s section), I dreaded receiving Borders gift cards. If I shopped at a Borders store, I’d have to search a hour or more for anything I’d like. If I shopped at the site I’d spend an hour or more trying to find what I wanted, then another half hour searching for a used copy at a price slightly higher than what I’d pay for a new book/CD/DVD at Amazon. Yes, white people problems, I know, but admit that it’s a little frustrating.
One day I thought, “Hold on a second. I used to order books through bookstores for years. If they didn’t have a copy, most stores—especially the chains—could search around and see if another branch had a copy.” Because of Amazon, it’d been a very long time since I’d done that. Brilliant! Genius!
The next day I went to the Borders on State and Randolph. I found a clerk and told her I couldn’t find a book on the shelves, and a search on their computers revealed that they didn’t have any in the store. So, I asked, could they order me a copy for pick up the next day?
“Sure!” she said, beaming. “All I had to do was visit borders.com and order it there. Then it would be sent to the store for pick up.
“Uh…” I said. “Yeah, okay.” I saw no point in entering into a discussion, but can you guess what immediately occurred to me?
Right. If I visited their site at home, why would I need to return to the store? Factoring in shipping and handling, I’d probably pay just as much, with the county taxes, as if I’d bought it at their store. I suppose there was some basic “shipping” fee involved in sending a copy of the book from, say, Skokie to downtown Chicago, but they’d still be ahead, wouldn’t they? I think I ended up buying the book online—which was good for the company, but a loss to the store, yes?
So, not really surprised at the current turn of events. Wow. I still remember the days when the box stores were pricing smaller independent bookstores out of existence. I never thought for a moment they’d fall themselves. Again, wow. I feel bad for all the people losing their jobs because of poor marketing and management decisions.
Things I Never Understood During My Tenure on LiveJournal
Thursday, July 14, 2011
1. The large number of people who, whenever I posted admonishments against people who annoyed me in meatspace, thought I was speaking directly to them—against all evidence and even across state lines.
Me: Curse you, foul creature, for failing to submit those TPS reports before the 3 p.m. meeting. I damn thee!
Commenter: What? When did I do this? Why are you so mad at me?
Me: Beg pardon? You know I’m talking about work, right?
Commenter: Well, how am I supposed to know that?
2. The number of people who felt a need to fix my attitude about everything.
Me: Dammit! I hate it when people put piccalilli on my hamburger.
Commenter 1: Hey, that’s not fair, Dan. A lot of people LIKE piccalilli. Maybe you need to give it… and them… a chance.
Commenter 2: Yeah, Dan, I’m not sure what brought that on. Don’t you think you’re being a little unfair?
Me: Huh? I personally don’t like piccalilli. That’s all I’m saying.
Commenter 1: I’ve never heard of anyone who didn’t like piccallili.
Me: Sure you did. Me. Right now.
Commenter 2: No, I don’t think so.
3. Those who thought that when I offered an opinion on something they enjoyed immediately assumed I believed they were idiots.
Me: Man, fuck Kajagoogoo. Other people can like them, but I hate them. Fucking Kajagoogoo. And fuck bucatini pasta too.
Commenter: LOOK, I can LIKE Kajagoogoo and bucatini pasta if I want to, and your ARROGANT and ELITIST attitude has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Me: All right. I’m just saying I personally don’t like Kajagoogoo and bucatini pasta, because…
Commenter 1: I AM SO SICK TO DEATH OF SNOBS LIKE YOU DERIDING THE GLORIOUS UNION OF KAJAGOOGOO AND BUCATINI! CANCEL MY BLOGSCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY!
4. The folks who felt the need to provide ongoing reviews of my posts.
Me: To get to the other side! And that’s why that chicken crossed the road. Chortle chortle!
Commenter: This wasn’t as funny as that post you made May 5, 2003. Why don’t you write posts like that anymore?
Me: Uh, because they already done been written, boss?
Commenter: Well, if you just want to sit back on your laurels I suppose that’s a good answer. Also, you know that post where you said, “Remember when candy bars were as thick as a baby’s torso?” Well, I don’t remember that.
Me: I figured some people wouldn’t since it didn’t happen.
Commenter: Yes, but how is that post relevant to me? To my needs and memories?
Me: You know, I’d love to help you find what you’re looking for, but I’m not sure what it is or where you lost it. In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.
Commenter: Also, this post is going on too long. And I know I never wrote this. In fact, there aren’t any posts that look exactly like this one, so I think none of this stuff happened.
Me: Um, sez you?
Commenter: I smugly sit back, now that I have made my point.
Me: What?
A Shot in the Dark—Charles W. Kallal
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I’m hoping this shows up on some family member’s list of Google hits during a genealogy search.
Are you related to Chicago City Architect Charles William Kallal (possiby born Karel Villem Kallal)? He was active in the 1910s and 1920s, building and designing many municipal buildings. I’m seeking more information about your relative, and, particularly, any photos you might have of him. Any Kallals out there? He built the Mayfair Pumping Station and Engine Co. 78 (the fire station near Wrigley Field). Any help will be much appreciated, and I promise I’ll do right by him. He’s an interesting guy. Naturally, I’ll share any information I’ve discovered on my own. Thanks!
Oh right, contact me here or at dan [at] mrdankelly [dot] com
Tonight! On! Inner Whistling Shadow Sanctum Mysteries!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I want a job where I can write old-time radio show scripts.
[Opening Theme Music]
Sepulchral Announcer: Meet Chauncey J. Phillips: restauranteur… pianist…. WOULD-BE MURDERER. Chauncey J. Phillips THOUGHT he could get away with ANYTHING. But he couldn’t… because crime doesn’t pay… Especially for Chauncey J. Phillips… once he entered… the [echoing] INNER WHISTLING SHADOW SANCTUM!!! What an [echoing] IDIOT… IDIOT… IDIOT…
[SFX: Traffic noises, office machinery, a man frantically pacing, all created by playing a 78 rpm TRAFFIC NOISES, OFFICE MACHINERY, NERVOUS PACING sound effects record.]
First Guy: Phillips! What are you doing there, standing by that water cooler and bookshelf with a revolver loaded with five bullets!?!
Second Guy: SIX bullets, Williams (pause) SIX bullets. (pause) Now sit over there in that chair. The one by the mynah boid.
Mynah Bird, Voiced by the First Guy: Awk! Polly wants a cracker! Awk!
Second Guy: Shaddup, boid… All right, youse miserable, filthy stoolie, dirty dog bum! Here’s what’s youse gots coming to youse!
[SFX: Six gunshots created by whacking a trash can lid with a croquet mallet.]
First: Urrrgh… You… Got me… Phillips… But you’ll… never…
Second: Youse got what was coming to youse, Williams… Consider that a Valentine from…
First Guy: …get… away…
Second Guy: …a Valentine from Boss Ril…
First Guy: …with… this…
Second Guy: Uh… that’s right, Williams… A Valentine from Boss Riley. He sends his…
First Guy: …deplorable… crime… you… scala… wag…
[SFX: Loud thump of body hitting ground, created by loading a potato sack with sponsor-provided noodles and gelatin and throwing it against a slab of terrazzo.]
Second Guy: …regards, ya stinking chatty-Kathy galoshes-eater. Now to wipe away all my fingerprints with this silk handkerchief!
[SFX: Wiping sound created by wiping a bald man’s head with a silk handkerchief.]
Mynah Bird: Awk! A Valentine from Boss Riley! Awk!
Second Guy: What the? That boid knows everything!
Mynah Bird: Chauncey J. Phillips of 1253 Maple Lane shot Reginald Von Williams IV with an Ivor Johnson revolver. The bullets came at a 45 degree angle, indicating Phillips is a man of average height! Awk! Cracker!
Second Guy: Shaddup, youse boid! Shaddup! I’ll fix YOUSE, by shooting youse with my revolver!
[SFX: Several clicks created by clicking a clicker.]
Mynah Bird: Awk! SIX bullets! Awk!
Second Guy: Dadblasted crazy-making goony-boid! I’ll strangulate youse! Ding-dong gum-chewing creep! Fooey on youse whole scummy boid family… What th’!?! Youse flew up to that statue of Hammurabi, maker of laws. When I gets my hands on youse…
Mynah Bird: Awk! Phillips motive is apparently profit-based! Awk! He acted as a triggerman for Boss Riley! Awk! $1,000 was recently filed in Phillips’ off-shore bank account! Awk!
Second Guy: Lemme just stand up on this reproduction of the 10 Commandments, then I’ll reach youse. I’m gonna turn youse into my Thanksgiving turkey! Ungh! Ungh!
Mynah Bird: Awk! Blood spattering indicates the decedent expired at 4:04 p.m. Contents of his stomach showed that decedent consumed a spinach calzone! Awk! Pieces of eight!
Second guy: Youse is gonna lead them right back to my Italian restaurant, youse miserable boid! Right after I hold onto this painting of Nemesis, Greek goddess of retribution, to steady myself, I’m gonna… What? I’m losing my grip! I’m falling now, and all the nearby art representing the law, retribution, and revenge will smack me in the head. Aggh! I’m only five inches from the floor, and mere moments from my death! Youse lousy boid!
[SFX: Body hitting the ground followed by a series of objets d’art crushing a human skull to a bloody pulp, created by playing Naked City’s debut album, Naked City.]
Mynah Bird: Awk! Ironic! Awk!
Sepulchral Announcer: CRIME. DOESN’T. PAY. And, Mom… Use Gelatin brand gelatin for all your eating, cleaning, and douching needs. GELATIN. IT’S MADE FROM COLLAGEN.
[SFX: Closing theme music, created by orchestra playing closing theme music.]