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20 Signs of a Hard Winter

1. Wooly caterpillars wear wooly wool coats and hats, large comical googly-eyed glasses, speak in adorable Capote-like lisp.

2. Bears found hibernating in the attic

3. Sun dead

4. Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, seen carrying Persephone to Hades

5. Glacier onslaught

6. Harvested rutabagas bite like a motherfucker, won’t let go

7. Antifreeze antifreezes

8. Blood hail

9. Snowman-on-snowman crime increases

10. Flocks of geese flock more tightly, creating walking Transformer-like “superflock” with sonic cannons, wave motion gun

11. Swamp Witch done skinned the cat, threw the bones, and watched the Weather Channel

12. Teens engaging in disturbing new trend of “iceberging” and “frost-riming,” with multiple plants of either sex.

13. Frost giants callously ignore ceasefire

14. Ass literally falls off

15. You scream, I scream, we all scream the ice scream

16. Internal icicle pain

17. Snow shovel won’t start up without being primed first

18. Senior citizens’ pelvises heard softly weeping

19. Old Man Winter seen pissing hard frost across your garden, cackling, flipping you off.

20. Tsnownamis