White Unlike He

Christian Lander strikes me as the kind of high school/college nerd who—saddened that he lacked the musculature to become a true bully—realized he could elevate his sense of self-worth by indiscriminately chopping up things the other nerds liked. Chris Ware pointed out this phenomenon in one of his hilarious parody ads. Selling the product “RESENTMENT” he noted that it wasn’t the allegedly beautiful people—the jocks and the cheerleaders—that did the most damage. Nope, it was your fellow dweebs, crawling over each other like rats at the bottom of a sewer, clawing and gnawing, desperate to escape instead of working together to get out. Nah, Lander is the guy who ranks on you mercilessly for enjoying a bit of bubblegum pop or a fancy coffee drink. Then, one day, you walk in on him sipping a double gingerbread latte with cinnamon and chocolate shavings, while shimmying to Miley Cyrus.

Then, eyes bugging out and covered in sweat, he explains that of COURSE he’s drinking a double gingerbread latte with cinnamon and chocolate shavings, while shimmying to Miley Cyrus, because there’s something about both that you could NEVER appreciate. He’ll probably cite some Japanese noise band as well, mumbling while he explains its tenuous connection to Ms. Cyrus.

I should also point out that (at least according to this review) Lander is beginning to sound more like David Brooks. You know, the conservative pundit who spends his days among the common folks he worships, watching NASCAR and eating Big Macs with them. Not like you, you judgmental liberal you. As one who’s actually worked with the common man, I’m here to say that some are grand folks, but they ain’t all princes among men.

Incidentally, the notion that “Race is a social concept, not a scientific one.” is scarcely new, Mr. Garner. Lenny Bruce was covering this topic a long time ago, and with considerably more wit. Also, Lander: Martin Mull wants his idea back.

Author: Mr. Dan Kelly

Chicago writer interested in many things.