Gentleman Unafraid

“So, like, this army guy is in his hotel room and he’s totally fucked up and punches the mirror, because he keeps  saying, “I miss the jungle… I miss the jungle… I gotta go in the jungle…” while this weird fucking music is playing. Because, I guess, he like lost his friend Charlie there, and he thinks Charlie is mad and will kill him, for leaving him in the jungle. So, he wants to go back and find him, I guess. And these guys show up and make him take a shower. Then we see him talking to that guy who was Han Solo in the Star Wars movies, and they say Charlie, who’s like a general or something, is in the jungle, and they’ve got to stop him because he’s acting like a douchebag. And army guy thinks, yeah, now I can get Charlie. So, he gets a boat, and Morpheus is on it, but he’s super-young because this movie, right, was made in the 1960s. And they’re on the boat and the captain is all like, “Don’t get off the boat, dude.” But they do, sometimes, and there’s a fucking tiger. Oh, sorry, spoilers. But they meet this other army guy with a big hat who likes surfing, and he blows up this village because he heard Charlie didn’t want to surf there anymore. But the army guy. The army guy in the hotel room, he’s all like, “WTF?” And they’re playing Beethoven and shit while fucking HELICOPTERS are blowing up the town. Then, it got boring and I went to the bathroom, and then the pizza dude showed up. Then, I don’t know how, they’re at this other village and that guy who fought Jack Bauer in season one of 24 is there and he’s shooting pictures and there’s all these heads all over the place, and he’s all, “Hey, man, don’t worry about the heads, because Charlie is in there, and he wants to talk to you.” Then they take him to see Charlie, and he’s fat and bald and saying crazy shit about making friends with whores. But the army guy is all like, “I don’t get it,” and Charlie says he works at a grocery store and has him tied up and throws a fucking HEAD in his lap. I think it was the guy named Chef. Oh, I didn’t mention him, sorry. All the guys on the boat die, except one guy who’s on LSD. Charlie lets the army guy walk around and while he’s making this podcast, because he thinks they’re friends again, but the army guy jumps up and is all like, “FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER” and chops him up with a big knife. Then he goes home, I guess. I kind of fell asleep at that point.”

So, like, this rich guy really liked his sleigh, and he called it Rosebud, but then he died. And then the movie is about him as a kid who, like, gets adopted by another rich guy, and he grows up and starts a newspaper with his friends. But he’s like a really good guy at first, but he and his wife don’t like each other anymore and they get divorced. But he still gets richer and runs for something, like mayor, I think. Then he gets caught totally banging this hot blonde chick, and he tries to cover up the fact that he’s banging her by making her sing shit. Then he buys a lot of statues, but she’s all like whining, “You never get me any presents that I want, man.” So, she leaves him and he keeps buying crap until he dies after smashing this snow globe everywhere. And then for some reason someone burns his fucking Rosebud sled.