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Category Archives: ramble

Crab’s Cradle

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

“But there was more to it than just coping with such traumatic situations. In later life, despite being hailed by so many as an American genius, Vonnegut felt that the literary establishment never took him seriously. They interpreted his simplistic style, love of science fiction and Midwestern values as being beneath serious study.” Never minding […]

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Dan’s Drunksgiving

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The day before Thanksgiving, at my old job, we had a small party. My boss decided to hold a round robin, asking everyone to share their plans for the holiday. My fellow employees generally reported that they were heading to their relatives’ homes or holding dinner at their own, traveling, or what have you. Then […]

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Things I Never Understood During My Tenure on LiveJournal

Thursday, July 14, 2011

1. The large number of people who, whenever I posted admonishments against people who annoyed me in meatspace, thought I was speaking directly to them—against all evidence and even across state lines. Me: Curse you, foul creature, for failing to submit those TPS reports before the 3 p.m. meeting. I damn thee! Commenter: What? When […]

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Tonight! On! Inner Whistling Shadow Sanctum Mysteries!

Monday, May 16, 2011

I want a job where I can write old-time radio show scripts. [Opening Theme Music] Sepulchral Announcer: Meet Chauncey J. Phillips: restauranteur… pianist…. WOULD-BE MURDERER. Chauncey J. Phillips THOUGHT he could get away with ANYTHING. But he couldn’t… because crime doesn’t pay… Especially for Chauncey J. Phillips… once he entered… the [echoing] INNER WHISTLING SHADOW […]

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Horrible People I Have Worked With

Friday, February 4, 2011

I worked as a freelance copywriter for a catalog house back in the early 90s. After a while they offered me a permanent gig. At least I think they did. It’s been quite a while, and I think I would have had to be ensconced there for what happened to have made sense. Anyway, at […]

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Un-smooth Operator

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

One of the pluses of having a wife with a traditionally male name is that when salespeople and scammers call, they always ask for Mr. Michael ________. Now, not everyone is aware that my wife is a woman, so I have to feel them out. First, I ask, “Who’s calling, please?” Most people are cool […]

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“Good”

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sturgeon’s Law states that 90 percent of everything is crap. Kelly’s Corollary adds that 99 percent of that remaining 10 percent is simply good. In art, good is largely preferable to bad, save in the case of something being “so bad it’s good”… but that’s another matter. Good is enjoyable, intelligent, savory, and consistently acceptable, […]

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Too Many Secrets?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

One thing I’ve been pondering since Wikileaks issued its second batch of goodies is this: Considering the alternative (not revealing secrets) has it been demonstrably proven that keeping secrets is such a good policy for diplomacy? Because that didn’t seem to be working so well before things started wikileaking. There are lies we tell ourselves […]

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Mr. Dan Kelly’s Top Five Desert Island Books

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

1. Building a Sex Doll with Flotsam and Jetsam, by the Editors of Make Magazine 2. The Joy of Cooking Your Own Foot, by Irma S. Rombauer 3. Fighting Off Mutant Crab Monsters with a Sharpened Stick, by Sgt. Clint Higgins 4. What Was That? On the Horizon… Oh My God! Sob! A Ship! A […]

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Two Autobiographical Stories My Son Inexplicably Asks Me to Retell

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Nate is utterly rapt when I tell him these stories, and he wants me to tell them again and again and again. I know not why, my liege. Note that I am telling the below stories the same way I tell them to my three-year-old son. Don’t expect Faulkner. 1. Once, when I was a […]

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