Crab’s Cradle

“But there was more to it than just coping with such traumatic situations. In later life, despite being hailed by so many as an American genius, Vonnegut felt that the literary establishment never took him seriously. They interpreted his simplistic style, love of science fiction and Midwestern values as being beneath serious study.”

Never minding that Vonnegut was due for an inevitable “Your great hero was flawed! FLAWED!” biography, there’s a common trope among successful cross-genre writers that’s always niggled at me. I’ve never understood the concern among such writers to be taken “seriously” by the “literary establishment.” What exactly does that mean, to whom do they refer, and what is the root and extent of their desire for acceptance? Can we assume David Remnick refused to go shoe shopping with Kurt? Did  Kingsley Amis blackball him when he applied to the Junior Woodchucks in fourth grade?

The history of literature is a jittery timeline of yesterday’s young firebrands becoming today’s stodgy old poops, making sure the newer, angrier kids can’t sit at the big table until they’re old and grey (Kerouac died a broke drunk, while Burroughs became a chevalier of France’s Ordre des Arts et des Lettres), or grow willing to play according to the rules of the universities, lit journals, and writing workshops. Or so the story goes. In actuality, the world of literature has become so fractured and fragmented (and the need for validation diminished by the instant gratification of the Internet—nowadays even a halfway decent writer can have a bushel of fans and supporters), needing approval by the establishment seems charmlessly archaic. I remember the time I attended a party thrown by a certain well-known magazine. I spoke with an editor who gave me a pleasant, but head-patting speech of encouragement, telling me that if I worked really hard, maybe I’d get published by a real magazine like his. I wanted to tell him, “But… I’m published and already relatively content, chum. More recognition would be nice, but… Well, forgive me, but turning up in your slick yet tepid mag would feel like a artistic step back for me. Of course the check would be nice.” Yes, there might be one or two mags I’d sell my children’s souls for a chance to appear in (Car and Driver, why haven’t you ever called?), but overall I have no one I NEED to impress other than my friends, family, and myself.

To me the best writers are the loners, Holed up in their attics, apartments, and cabins, they occasionally interact with their editors and publishers, but rarely attend the right cocktail parties (Capote notwithstanding, though that’s how that particular bird lost his way). They never needed validation. All the real work and gratification took place between their ears.

Reading about big-time writers like Vonnegut and Hunter Thompson complaining about a lack of recognition is both quaint and perplexing. It makes me wonder what exactly they were after since they were pretty well-recognized in their own lifetimes. It gets especially silly when the writer laments his lack of “acceptance,” despite the reprints, book signings, readings, honorary doctorates, hot, ready, and willing fans, commencement speeches, talk shows, multiple translations and anthologies, ongoing fluff assignments for big bucks, merchandising, royalties, film and TV cameos, inclusion in the curricula of a thousand thousand colleges, and insertion in the memory of every human being who read their work and heard them speaking to their deepest heart of hearts.

Recognition?

God bless you, Mr. Vonnegut, you imbued a phrase as simple as “And so it goes.” with immortality. And yet that wasn’t enough? Or was that compassionate grump act just covering up a basic, irritable crank?

Dan’s Drunksgiving

The day before Thanksgiving, at my old job, we had a small party. My boss decided to hold a round robin, asking everyone to share their plans for the holiday. My fellow employees generally reported that they were heading to their relatives’ homes or holding dinner at their own, traveling, or what have you.

Then she got to me. Feeling puckish I said, “Ah, I’ll spend it the same way I always do. Sitting in my dark apartment with a bottle of Wild Turkey.” I almost added, “and a revolver,” but I held back.

Most of my workmates laughed, but my boss had an irony deficiency. A look of total sympathy came over her face, and she asked, slowly, “Ohhhhhh… Would you like… to come over… to my family’s house for Thanksgiving, Dan?”

“You know… I was joking, right, J____?” I asked. I thought the laughter would have been a tip off. “I have a family, and I’m going to my folks’ house in the southwest burbs.”

“Oh… Ha ha!” she replied.

Sheesh, I thought.

Ordinarily, I would have felt some twinge of what you hoo-mans call “guilt.” Not with her. She generally sided with the designers because I always “picked on” them by demanding they correct typos and not make errors.

Errors such as the calendar where the designer determined that Thanksgiving took place on the third Wednesday of November. She was so convinced of this she left it in even after I noted that, no, it was the fourth Thursday. Then the calendar was printed, along with a few other brain-dead errors, such as the week in which the days were numbered “…18, 19, 21, 20, 22…” I was called into the big boss’ office, who asked me, not happily, how I could let something like that get through. I didn’t, I answered, and I showed her the original proof. The designer got less of a rollicking than I did. I really didn’t like working there at the end. I don’t think they liked me working there either, because they let me go with the next round of layoffs.

On the other hand, every year we got a free turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Never Understood During My Tenure on LiveJournal

1. The large number of people who, whenever I posted admonishments against people who annoyed me in meatspace, thought I was speaking directly to them—against all evidence and even across state lines.

Me: Curse you, foul creature, for failing to submit those TPS reports before the 3 p.m. meeting. I damn thee!

Commenter: What? When did I do this? Why are you so mad at me?

Me: Beg pardon? You know I’m talking about work, right?

Commenter: Well, how am I supposed to know that?

2. The number of people who felt a need to fix my attitude about everything.

Me: Dammit! I hate it when people put piccalilli on my hamburger.

Commenter 1: Hey, that’s not fair, Dan. A lot of people LIKE piccalilli. Maybe you need to give it… and them… a chance.

Commenter 2: Yeah, Dan, I’m not sure what brought that on. Don’t you think you’re being a little unfair?

Me: Huh? I personally don’t like piccalilli. That’s all I’m saying.

Commenter 1: I’ve never heard of anyone who didn’t like piccallili.

Me: Sure you did. Me. Right now.

Commenter 2: No, I don’t think so.

3. Those who thought that when I offered an opinion on something they enjoyed immediately assumed I believed they were idiots.

Me: Man, fuck Kajagoogoo. Other people can like them, but I hate them. Fucking Kajagoogoo. And fuck bucatini pasta too.

Commenter: LOOK, I can LIKE Kajagoogoo and bucatini pasta if I want to, and your ARROGANT and ELITIST attitude has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

Me: All right. I’m just saying I personally don’t like Kajagoogoo and bucatini pasta, because…

Commenter 1: I AM SO SICK TO DEATH OF SNOBS LIKE YOU DERIDING THE GLORIOUS UNION OF KAJAGOOGOO AND BUCATINI! CANCEL MY BLOGSCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY!

4. The folks who felt the need to provide ongoing reviews of my posts.

Me: To get to the other side! And that’s why that chicken crossed the road. Chortle chortle!

Commenter: This wasn’t as funny as that post you made May 5, 2003. Why don’t you write posts like that anymore?

Me: Uh, because they already done been written, boss?

Commenter: Well, if you just want to sit back on your laurels I suppose that’s a good answer. Also, you know that post where you said, “Remember when candy bars were as thick as a baby’s torso?” Well, I don’t remember that.

Me: I figured some people wouldn’t since it didn’t happen.

Commenter: Yes, but how is that post relevant to me? To my needs and memories?

Me: You know, I’d love to help you find what you’re looking for, but I’m not sure what it is or where you lost it. In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.

Commenter: Also, this post is going on too long. And I know I never wrote this. In fact, there aren’t any posts that look exactly like this one, so I think none of this stuff happened.

Me: Um, sez you?

Commenter: I smugly sit back, now that I have made my point.

Me: What?

Tonight! On! Inner Whistling Shadow Sanctum Mysteries!

I want a job where I can write old-time radio show scripts.

[Opening Theme Music]

Sepulchral Announcer: Meet Chauncey J. Phillips: restauranteur… pianist…. WOULD-BE MURDERER. Chauncey J. Phillips THOUGHT he could get away with ANYTHING. But he couldn’t… because crime doesn’t pay… Especially for Chauncey J. Phillips… once he entered… the [echoing] INNER WHISTLING SHADOW SANCTUM!!! What an [echoing] IDIOT… IDIOT… IDIOT…

[SFX: Traffic noises, office machinery, a man frantically pacing, all created by playing a 78 rpm TRAFFIC NOISES, OFFICE MACHINERY, NERVOUS PACING sound effects record.]

First Guy: Phillips! What are you doing there, standing by that water cooler and bookshelf with a revolver loaded with five bullets!?!

Second Guy: SIX bullets, Williams (pause) SIX bullets. (pause) Now sit over there in that chair. The one by the mynah boid.

Mynah Bird, Voiced by the First Guy: Awk! Polly wants a cracker! Awk!

Second Guy: Shaddup, boid… All right, youse miserable, filthy stoolie, dirty dog bum! Here’s what’s youse gots coming to youse!

[SFX: Six gunshots created by whacking a trash can lid with a croquet mallet.]

First: Urrrgh… You… Got me… Phillips… But you’ll… never…

Second: Youse got what was coming to youse, Williams… Consider that a Valentine from…

First Guy: …get… away…

Second Guy: …a Valentine from Boss Ril…

First Guy: …with… this…

Second Guy: Uh… that’s right, Williams… A Valentine from Boss Riley. He sends his…

First Guy: …deplorable… crime… you… scala… wag…

[SFX: Loud thump of body hitting ground, created by loading a potato sack with sponsor-provided noodles and gelatin and throwing it against a slab of terrazzo.]

Second Guy: …regards, ya stinking chatty-Kathy galoshes-eater. Now to wipe away all my fingerprints with this silk handkerchief!

[SFX: Wiping sound created by wiping a bald man’s head with a silk handkerchief.]

Mynah Bird: Awk! A Valentine from Boss Riley! Awk!

Second Guy: What the? That boid knows everything!

Mynah Bird: Chauncey J. Phillips of 1253 Maple Lane shot Reginald Von Williams IV with an Ivor Johnson revolver. The bullets came at a 45 degree angle, indicating Phillips is a man of average height! Awk! Cracker!

Second Guy: Shaddup, youse boid! Shaddup! I’ll fix YOUSE, by shooting youse with my revolver!

[SFX: Several clicks created by clicking a clicker.]

Mynah Bird: Awk! SIX bullets! Awk!

Second Guy: Dadblasted crazy-making goony-boid! I’ll strangulate youse! Ding-dong gum-chewing creep! Fooey on youse whole scummy boid family… What th’!?! Youse flew up to that statue of Hammurabi, maker of laws. When I gets my hands on youse…

Mynah Bird: Awk! Phillips motive is apparently profit-based! Awk! He acted as a triggerman for Boss Riley! Awk! $1,000 was recently filed in Phillips’ off-shore bank account! Awk!

Second Guy: Lemme just stand up on this reproduction of the 10 Commandments, then I’ll reach youse. I’m gonna turn youse into my Thanksgiving turkey! Ungh! Ungh!

Mynah Bird: Awk! Blood spattering indicates the decedent expired at 4:04 p.m. Contents of his stomach showed that decedent consumed a spinach calzone! Awk! Pieces of eight!

Second guy: Youse is gonna lead them right back to my Italian restaurant, youse miserable boid! Right after I hold onto this painting of Nemesis,  Greek goddess of retribution, to steady myself, I’m gonna… What? I’m losing my grip! I’m falling now, and all the nearby art representing the law, retribution, and revenge will smack me in the head. Aggh! I’m only five inches from the floor, and mere moments from my death! Youse lousy boid!

[SFX: Body hitting the ground followed by a series of objets d’art crushing a human skull to a bloody pulp, created by playing Naked City’s debut album, Naked City.]

Mynah Bird: Awk! Ironic! Awk!

Sepulchral Announcer: CRIME. DOESN’T. PAY. And, Mom… Use Gelatin brand gelatin for all your eating, cleaning, and douching needs. GELATIN. IT’S MADE FROM COLLAGEN.

[SFX: Closing theme music, created by orchestra playing closing theme music.]

Horrible People I Have Worked With

I worked as a freelance copywriter for a catalog house back in the early 90s. After a while they offered me a permanent gig. At least I think they did. It’s been quite a while, and I think I would have had to be ensconced there for what happened to have made sense.

Anyway, at this place the IT guy was a large fellow with a wriggly mustache, and he mostly hid in back. It was a small shop, so there wasn’t much for him to do beside keeping the computers going and periodically backing up all the data. Maybe he blew on the mainframe when it overheated, I don’t know.

One of his main activities, however, was being a fink. I’m sure he was ordered to do so by the manager, but he seemed to take delight in it. He watched not only the main server, but everyone’s hard drive, looking out for forbidden use of company time and memory. I didn’t care. I was still pretty computer illiterate back then, and the Internet consisted of six pages, so there wasn’t that much to do. I had a Mac SE at home that I mostly used to type up articles for my zines, and I was still typing letters on a word processor. Stone age, man. In short, I didn’t use my work computer for anything but work.

One day, the manager calls me into her office and tells me to close the door. Uh oh.

“Dan, can you take a look at this print-out, please?” she said.

I did. It was a screen shot of my hard drive, but since this was 1993 (I think), I didn’t know what I was looking at. An arrow pointed at a particular document titled “TEST,” and connected to the arrow was a handwritten note from Mr. I.T. Mustache.

“Meg, I found THIS on Dan’s hard drive.” I think his name was something like Skip or Chip, but I can’t recollect. Something douchetastic like that.

“Do you want to tell me what that document is, Dan?”

I had no idea what was going on at that point. I knew what it was, but I wasn’t sure why I felt so doomed. Regardless, I told her:

“Uh, I think it’s my copywriting test. The one Con had me take during the interview process,” Con was the copy editor. She had a fondness for marking corrections with purple ink rather than red, because she felt red ink had negative connotations. Consequently, purple ink started to carry negative connotations for me.

Meg just stared at me, still looking like she was about to tell me I was so, so, SO fired. Then she softened a bit and said, “All right. Well, remove it from your hard drive immediately.”

“Okay,” I said. I was massively confused.

Later on I talked with one of my coworkers, and she told me that Mr. Mustache regularly trolled our hard drives, looking for resumes and cover letters, and that’s probably what he told Meg. Even though a quick look would have revealed that my “TEST” document was neither. I gave Mustache the evil eye from that point on, even though he was one of those turds who recognized a fellow geek and wanted to chat about Clive Barker or LARP or whatever the hell he was into.

No real conclusions, but it astonished me that someone could be not only petty enough to look for ways to hurt a coworker, but clumsy enough to risk that person’s job without any real evidence of wrongdoing.

Truly, truly, he was a horrible person.

Un-smooth Operator

One of the pluses of having a wife with a traditionally male name is that when salespeople and scammers call, they always ask for Mr. Michael ________. Now, not everyone is aware that my wife is a woman, so I have to feel them out. First, I ask, “Who’s calling, please?” Most people are cool with that; it’s a very basic and polite question, and anyway you should always identify yourself when calling someone you don’t know. If they turn out to be the dentist or credit card company or whatever, I hand it off to her. If not, it usually takes a few more questions before I figure out they’re a bunco artist.

Every couple of weeks though, we get a call from a person who I’m convinced is the same guy each time. Once upon a time, we donated to a charity. Since then we get periodic calls looking for handouts. We’re not chumps, so when someone is up-front and tells us they want dough, we say no, we don’t do such things by phone, thanks, bye. This guy, however, is crafty. Or rather, he thinks he’s crafty.

I Star-69’ed him once, so I have an idea about where he lives, and when I looked up his number online I discovered, unsurprisingly, that this is his routine. Just calling folks from a list, presumably, telling them he’s with the cops, fire department, vets, or whatever. What’s obvious is that whatever list he’s using, he’s not making notes that the well has gone dry here. Result: he keeps calling every few weeks. Our longest conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Him: Yeah, hello. I’d like to speak to Mr. Michael _________.

Me: Who’s calling, please?

Him: Is this Michael?

Me: Why not tell me who’s calling first?

Him: Can I speak to him?

Me: Who’s this, please?

Him: (Audible sigh. Really, he lets out a huge huff of air, because I’m inconveniencing him, I suppose.) This is Scott Smith (or some similar nondescript name). Can I speak with Michael?

Me: What’s this in regards to?

Him: (Pause) Is Ms. Michael ________ there? (Oooh, good work, Holmes. But you tipped your hand.)

Me: How about telling me who you are?

Him: I just identified myself, sir.

(I almost laughed out loud at his righteous indignation.)

Me: No, you didn’t. You haven’t told me what this is in regards to, and I don’t know who you are.

Him: I said this was Scott Smith.

(While  knew a Scott Smith in grade school, we barely spoke in those eight years, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t him.)

Me: Okay, what do you want?

Him: (Frazzled) This is a call intended for Michael __________, so can I talk to Michael?

Me: Nope. Sorry.

Then I hung up.

So, he called again tonight.

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello, can I speak to Michael __________?

Me: Who’s calling, please? (I never change my script, really. Also, I rarely answer the phone. I don’t like phones.)

(Then he lets out an even bigger puff of exasperated breath. He remembers me! Awwww!)

Him: This is the Vets. (Veterans or veterinarians, he didn’t say.)

Me: Nope, sorry.

And I hung up. Didn’t feel like playing this time around. Next time he gets the long hold.

“Good”

Sturgeon’s Law states that 90 percent of everything is crap. Kelly’s Corollary adds that 99 percent of that remaining 10 percent is simply good. In art, good is largely preferable to bad—save in the case of something being “so bad it’s good”… but that’s another matter. Good is enjoyable, intelligent, savory, and consistently acceptable, and that’s just fine. Where we run into a problem is when good is inappropriately celebrated as extraordinary.

Good is never extraordinary. Good doesn’t excite or inspire people. Good doesn’t break new ground. Good rarely stirs up emotions. We leave the theater after viewing a good film, we finish listening to a good piece of music, or we put down a good book, and we say, “Well, that was good. Very good indeed.” And we tell our friends how good it was, and that they should enjoy it, because, damn, it was good.

Then after a short period of time, someone in a high position declares this work isn’t just good… Why, it’s great.

Then things get nuts.

The media immediately reports on this great thing, trying to crack its secrets by speaking with the people involved in it, cross-examining and poring over every segment of its existence, and extolling it as a work that will straddle the Rhodes harbor for all eternity.

Soon after, everyone is talking about the work in transformative terms. It’s no longer merely an entertaining experience, It’s become a perfect object wrought by seraphim working under God’s eyes. It will change the way we look at things. Upon viewing, you will orgasm mentally.

You’ll notice a certain consistency in the topics covered by these works, and in the names and credentials of those who produce them. Likewise those promoting the works, and the persons you know who extol them. This applies to high and low culture, by the way.

Does this invalidate the goodness of the good work? No, but it creates a climate in which a truly good work faces either (1) immediate, unquestioning approval, or (2) immediate, crushing disappointment and annoyance in those who don’t “get” it. Ah, but this, thereby, creates controversy, which is the second wave of promotion. The work is secondary to the arguments it generates by this point in time.

The only true measure of a work’s greatness, goodness, awfulness, or obscurity, of course, is time. Obviously, this is borne by the number of people who can be convinced of a work’s greatness over the years, decades, and centuries. One way is to let the subject review and assess the work on their own, according to its merits and their personal checklist of what makes for a good work. The other way is to create an perpetual promotion machine. This is, facetiously, a game of temporal telephone. The scholars, critics, and investors (now that copyright can extend for ridiculous periods) constantly promote the work’s virtues to, in the case of the university system, a captive audience, or, in the case of the aesthetic cult, those seeking constant validation of their beliefs and tastes. Meanwhile, as with telephone, changes in social mores, language, political upheaval, and more subtly change the perception of the work, and its original intent and meaning become lost. Which is just as well, because for a work to survive and be cherished as good, et cetera, it must remain organic and mutable. The perpetual promotion machine, however, insists on just one interpretation. Tell me you didn’t have a teacher who stuck to his or her guns when you disagreed with their interpretation of a work.

By this measure it’s interesting to step back and view what good to great works have survived, comparing them to what is considered good/great now. Why do Ishmael, Anna Karenina, and Sherlock Holmes persist? Why is Casablanca still an amazing film? In comparison, and to tip my hand to my ulterior motive, how likely is it that any of Aaron Sorkin’s stereotypes with their staccato clevertalk will survive into the next century, much less be considered extraordinary? I don’t know. Nobody knows. But it will be interesting to see what happens when the current crews of aesthetic roustabouts are gone, no longer there to drive in the stakes, hoist the ropes, and prop up the circus tents.

Too Many Secrets?

One thing I’ve been pondering since Wikileaks issued its second batch of goodies is this: Considering the alternative (not revealing secrets) has it been demonstrably proven that keeping secrets is such a good policy for diplomacy? Because that didn’t seem to be working so well before things started wikileaking. There are lies we tell ourselves and lies we tell each other in order to keep things at a simmering boil, but even a low flame can eventually start a conflagration—if I may wax metaphorical. Some of what I’ve read sounds very familiar. Behavior that repeats itself down here in cafeterias and around the water cooler. The higher echelons and elites like their exclusivity. It’s all about their personal interactions, you know. The rest of us are just filler.

Just pondering. Sorry, can’t go much deeper than that for now.

Another note: I just read somewhere that the Wikidump threatens to “change history.” What makes this funny is that the implication is that history can be changed. What they mean, I think, is that the future desired and crafted by the Powers That Be may not come to pass. And that ticks them off.

Mr. Dan Kelly’s Top Five Desert Island Books

1. Building a Sex Doll with Flotsam and Jetsam, by the Editors of Make Magazine

2. The Joy of Cooking Your Own Foot, by Irma S. Rombauer

3. Fighting Off Mutant Crab Monsters with a Sharpened Stick, by Sgt. Clint Higgins

4. What Was That? On the Horizon… Oh My God! Sob! A Ship! A Ship! At Last! At Last! Oh, Thank You, Jesus, Thank You! Wait… NOOOOOOOO!!! It Was Only an Illusion Borne of My Unceasing Hunger! Nonononononono… NOOOOOO!!! (Snap) Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It’s so Clear to Me Now! I AM CHRIST! I’ll Just WALK Back to America! Here We Go… (Splash, Splash, Splash!) This Is Fun! How I’ll Laugh When I Reach Hawaii! HAHAHAHAHA!!! AHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Dum-de-dum-dee-Argle-Bargle-Glargle…, by Hugh Dam Foole

5. Superfudge, by Judy Blume

Two Autobiographical Stories My Son Inexplicably Asks Me to Retell

Nate is utterly rapt when I tell him these stories, and he wants me to tell them again and again and again. I know not why, my liege. Note that I am telling the below stories the same way I tell them to my three-year-old son. Don’t expect Faulkner.

1. Once, when I was a little boy, Grampa Kelly took me to a haunted house. We came to one room that was dark and filled with cobwebs, skeletons, and other Halloween decorations. Suddenly a man came running out of a door in the back of the room. He was wearing a mask, holding his hands over his head, and screaming, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!”

But I just stuck out my hand. He stopped, looked at it, and then shook my hand. And I wasn’t afraid at all.

[Note: He was actually waving an axe around, but I figured that might be too scary for Nate at this point.]

2. I was at church this morning. When mass was over I started to leave, but as I approached the doors they suddenly opened, and a spaceman walked in. I knew it couldn’t be a spaceman, because what would a spaceman be doing in church? It turned out it was Ms. Jess, and she was wearing a motorcycle helmet. It was big and round and had a dark glass front, so that’s what made me think it was a space helmet for a moment. Spacemen in church? Ridiculous!