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Author Archives: Mr. Dan Kelly

Chicago writer interested in many things.

#CYBERMANDAY

Monday, December 1, 2014

                  THE CYBERMEN HAVE INITIATED TECHNOLOGICALLY ENHANCED DEALS AND DISCOUNTS ON QUALITY MERCHANDISE IN ALL OUR ONLINE STORES. WIDE-SCREEN TELEVISIONS…MICROWAVE OVENS…FOUR-SLOT TOASTERS…PLAGUE-DISPENSING CYBERMATS POWERED BY THE BRAINS OF HUMAN CHILDREN…ALL SHALL BE SOLD AT ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES AND GRAFTED TO YOUR PRIMITIVE ORGANIC FORMS. END COMMUNICATION. #CYBERMANDAY  

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Damned If I Don’t

Sunday, November 9, 2014

I had a dream that I was in some sort of writing master’s class headed by a grouchy Philip Roth figure—except he was played by some character actor I couldn’t place; possibly David Straitharn in make-up. The class was held downtown in the writer’s gigantic, gloriously sterile loft, and was attended by me, an unidentified […]

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Creepy Things That Have Happened to Me That I’ve Never Told Anyone

Friday, October 31, 2014

Once, when I was a kid, I was “camping out” in the living room. This consisted of spreading out my bear-shaped sleeping bag on the shag carpeting, crawling in, and falling asleep. At some point in the night I snapped awake, thinking I heard someone call my name, “Danny…Danny…” I looked up, and there was […]

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Starfookers

Monday, September 15, 2014

There’s a point when others’ crushes on minor celebrities grate on me. They shouldn’t, because people are entitled to like what they want to like, and, more importantly, Mr. Dan Grumpy can go fuck himself for being the jealous bastard he’s always been. But I get so damned tired of hearing how so and so […]

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Ten Books That Have Stuck with Me Off the Top of My Head as I Make Them Up

Thursday, September 4, 2014

1. Teddy’s Skin by Margaret Wise Brown—The peculiar recurrence of furry animals and fur-lined rooms in Brown’s work becomes apparent in this little-known and strangely horrifying entry in the author’s whimsical oeuvre. Uncommonly, Brown is a character in her own children’s book, having been made by the Color Kittens when they mixed together “all the […]

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Right Up Dere

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Here’s a fun fact. if you want to get on my bad side very quickly, ask me to help you, and then criticize me while I’m doing it. I might very well leave you adrift among sharks if, when I try to throw you a life preserver, you make a crack about my hurling technique. […]

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Deco

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I won’t say where, but I recently encountered one of the coolest security guards in the world. I was visiting a lovely Art Deco edifice a while back, and I wanted to take a few pix of the sedately ornate lobby, which featured the inevitable slim, half-naked figures that decorated the era’s most fashionable elevator […]

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Greeeeeonk!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

                Back from Destroy All Monsters! with Nate. Mike: How was the movie? Me: About what you’d expect. Giant monsters battling each other. Mike: Uh huh. Me: Though the ending still gets to me. It shows Godzilla, 60 years later, sitting on his home’s porch dressed in a […]

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Begorrah!

Monday, March 17, 2014

                    Talking to my Wife (Not verbatim, but close.) Me: Nate told me all about the leprechaun traps they set at school. Wife: Yes, I heard about those. They come in and mess up the classroom. Me: Uh, you know he made a trap for home […]

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Action Words to Use in Your Resume

Friday, January 31, 2014

                Assgravated Bloodied my knuckles brutally upon weaker co-workers Cried repeatedly Drizzled across chest, received positive feedback vis a vis writhing, pleasuremoans Emascuglazed Fungussied up Gnutered Hummed a merry tune whilst cobbling, guv’nor Idiotliminated Jabbed and twisted in back, repeatedly Killed again and again and again, so much […]

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